Mourning and Loss of Freedom.

I was at a slow flow and restorative yoga workshop recently. In the middle of relaxation and meditation a thought dawned on me. But let me go back in time a bit first. As a child I had fantasies about growing up and travelling to Africa and living off the land and becoming a Tarzan type figure. For whatever reason, the memory of that fantasy came back to me during the yoga class while relaxing in one of the poses. Now, because of my dependence on insulin, living off the land in such a way is impossible. Not that I was ever going to make that fantasy a reality. But any form of living completely off the land is gone now even if I wanted to do it. I will always be dependent on the manufacture of insulin from now on. It feels like I have lost that element of freedom before I ever had any real desire to make it happen. It hit home then what the loss of a functioning pancreas has done to me and how it has limited my life choices and it was at that point that I started mourning the loss of such a vital gland.

With Coeliac disease I could still have a normal life and even the freedom to live off the land and escape the rat race, as it were, because it only changed what and how I eat. I miss my pancreas so much now. Such a horrible thing for my own immune system to do to me.

I said goodbye then in that yoga class but the loss of freedom is still saddening. I know it's not my pancreas' fault and I thanked it for holding out as long as it did. It's still inside me but it's as good as gone.