Mourning and Loss of Freedom.

I was at a slow flow and restorative yoga workshop recently. In the middle of relaxation and meditation a thought dawned on me. But let me go back in time a bit first. As a child I had fantasies about growing up and travelling to Africa and living off the land and becoming a Tarzan type figure. For whatever reason, the memory of that fantasy came back to me during the yoga class while relaxing in one of the poses. Now, because of my dependence on insulin, living off the land in such a way is impossible. Not that I was ever going to make that fantasy a reality. But any form of living completely off the land is gone now even if I wanted to do it. I will always be dependent on the manufacture of insulin from now on. It feels like I have lost that element of freedom before I ever had any real desire to make it happen. It hit home then what the loss of a functioning pancreas has done to me and how it has limited my life choices and it was at that point that I started mourning the loss of such a vital gland.

With Coeliac disease I could still have a normal life and even the freedom to live off the land and escape the rat race, as it were, because it only changed what and how I eat. I miss my pancreas so much now. Such a horrible thing for my own immune system to do to me.

I said goodbye then in that yoga class but the loss of freedom is still saddening. I know it's not my pancreas' fault and I thanked it for holding out as long as it did. It's still inside me but it's as good as gone.

Weird Dreams

Last night I had a dream but it's not the first time since developing T1. The first time was actually before my diagnosis, when I suspected but didn't want to believe it.
Last night I dreamt that I was in a high place but was afraid of falling. It wasn't the first time I had that type of dream. The first time was more scary and vivid as I remember crying out in the dream before waking, that I wanted to get down safely. Last night I didn't feel in as much panic before waking. Just a typical fear of heights.
The dream I had before diagnosis was different. There was some sort of apocalyptic chaos going on that could have been prevented and I was in a boiler room where it was overheating and the maintenance man was waiting for me to do something about it, but I was reluctant to take responsibility for it. The boiler was about to explode.
After thinking about each dream after waking from them, I reached pretty much the same conclusion: my body was trying to tell me something. The first dream I was heading towards DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis) but I didn't want to believe I could be diabetic and was hoping my body would hold out until I planned to changed my diet in the new year. It didn't hold out and diabetes influenced the way I eat instead. I was afraid of the responsibility of dealing with diabetes. The second and third dreams were my body telling me my blood sugars were a bit high. But my subconscious mind has a fear of going low (hypoglycemic) at night. So when my sugars were going down during the night  the part of me that fears lows during sleep was worried. It needn't have been. Only once I've been low when I woke up (3.3) but that was back in February and this morning I was a normal 7.4.
It's interesting how the subconscious mind tries to communicate with you. But it's like speaking a language you're not familiar with. You need an interpreter or time to think and piece together the bits you understand to try and make sense of it.

First Proper Night Out Since Diagnosis

I bought tickets to Bellator Dublin mixed martial arts event last year before I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. The event was on the 23rd of February this year. It was the first major night away from home since diagnosis. I packed a gluten free lunch in case I'd go hypo at the event. I also brought water with me but I wasn't allowed to take that into the venue. It's not for any security reason. It has to do with money. They sell bottled water, soft drinks and alcoholic beverages at the venue and I'm thinking it's to force people to buy things to drink. Thankfully I wasn't asked about the lunchbox in the bag. Actually, I packed 2 lunchboxes, one to nibble on some fruit on the way up to Dublin and be guaranteed something to eat before leaving for the venue and the other, as I said, in case I'd go hypo at the event. It turned out I was able to get some food at the hotel bar. I ordered a soup and some gluten free toast before I left for the venue so I went on a full stomach. Obviously I took insulin before eating the soup and toast.
This is about my autoimmune conditions so I won't go into detail about the event. I tested myself once at the venue when my alarm to remind me of my night time insulin went off. I didn't take it at the venue though. I still wasn't 100% ok with injecting myself in public and there was a queue for the cubicles in the toilets each time I went to use the urinals, so that put me off going there to inject myself. I took my night time insulin more than an hour later than usual that night. My blood sugar was around the eight mark when I tested at the venue so I felt ok.
Having taken my night time insulin late seemed to affect me over the next couple of days. I was doing a lot of walking around Dublin the next day while passing the time until it was time to go to the airport for my flight home to Kerry. So I didn't take much meal time insulin that day to keep myself from going hypo. I think I went hypo anyway at one stage so I might have skipped insulin for one meal. I ate in a restaurant called Millstone on Dawson Street. They had a coeliac menu and the prices were comparable to their regular menu. Both were fairly expensive! But it was great to have the security of being able to eat safely, especially for a diabetic coeliac who needs to keep his sugars up.
The airport didn't offer much in terms of something to eat. A packet of gluten free crisps or a small selection of gluten free junk food at a shop. All the restaurants stated in their menus that there was a risk of gluten cross contamination so I didn't even bother to try them out.
I went hypo at work on the Monday and I think it may have been because there was extra night time insulin in my system because of taking it late Saturday night and at the regular time the following night. It seemed to regulate again as I got back to my routine over the next few days. All in all I think I planned for the event fairly well but it wasn't perfect. As I get used to going away more, the experience will help me improve planning for future events.